As Valentine’s Day is here again …
Love is in the air, but …
what is really important about love?
Together or Single
For couples who are in love it’s a great time to celebrate relationships.
Couples in a loveless relationship can find it to be a tricky ‘make or break’ time.
For the happily single, it may be a time of relief, or to focus on other types of love.
If you are unhappily single, it can be a very challenging time, often highlighting what you feel is ‘missing’ in life.
Of course, there are many other variants, but let’s consider the essence of real love and perhaps you can have an even happier Valentine’s Day?
“Learning to Love yourself” – Really?
You have probably heard that old cliché that learning to love yourself is the greatest and most important love. This certainly lost a lot in translation over time as it has been so overused and often misunderstood. So…
Who has ‘Stolen’ your Love?
Let me ask you this one question … can you say that you love yourself with as much ease and conviction as stating what day of the week it is?
If you answered yes, I’ll get to you in a minute or two!
And if you answered no, then certain events, circumstances, or people (and yes, possibly even ourselves) have managed to ‘steal’ this from you.
Are you Capable of Love?
How you feel on Valentine’s Day (or any day for that matter!) will be greatly affected by the degree of self-love you are currently capable of.
In my 25 years of clinical practice, the majority of people I see have lost this capability of self-love. They has also usually lost the believe (if they ever had it) that they deserve to be loved.
People Treat you Badly
Sadly, when you lack the capability of self-love and lack the belief that you deserve to be loved, then you begin to get treated badly.
Even worse, the very person who initiates this process of treating you badly is most <em>often</em> … (subconsciously) you!
Consciously, we are usually unaware of this. Further, it can be fuelled by a limiting belief such as: “I don’t deserve to be loved” or “I’m unlovable”.
“They Treated me Badly first”
Most people believe they were treated badly by someone else first. This can be the case, especially for those who didn’t get an appropriate environment and nurturing to develop self-love. Worse still, those subjected to cruel, detrimental circumstances where it was impossible for self-love to develop at all.
Defending Your Love
If you reach adulthood and are capable of self-love or you believe that you deserve to be loved, you are better equipped to protect yourself when someone challenges this.
Whether your capability of self-love is challenged by someone deliberately or not, you may have come to believe that their decisions or actions mean you are unlovable.
Signs of lacking self-love
Tell-tale signs that you are lacking the capability of self-love or you lack the belief that you deserve love can include:
- You Make excuses to avoid social events
- Being ‘too busy’ with work to have time for love
- Negative self-talk (internally beating yourself up)
- You habitually expecting rejection from anyone showing love interest
- Setting unrealistic expectations that you know cannot be met
- Self Sabotaging attention from others that could be potential love
- Deceiving yourself and others (e.g. saying you are happily single even when we are not, or you constantly finding fault in potential partners)
- Neglecting your physical appearance, health or fitness
- You allow the past to mar your future (e.g. thinking that if one person left you, then everyone will.)
and there are many more.
These are all examples of how we treat ourselves badly and are definitely NOT signs of self-love. Would you treat a partner who you truly love in any of these ways? Hopefully the answer to that is “no” or there are other matters to be addressed! So, the next step would be to STOP these behaviours but first ask yourself…
and there are many more.
Do YOU deserve love?
YES.
We all deserve to be loved and accepted for all that we are. Whatever has happened in your life, wherever you were born, and to whomever you were born, whatever the circumstances, we were all given this wonderful gift of life. What makes it truly wonderful is how completely unique we all are. Regardless of any (distorted) perceptions, each and every one of us deserves to be loved for exactly who we are in life.
But …
In my clinical practice, coaching or mentoring, or at speaking events, there are always people who respond to the question of whether they deserve love with a “but….” response. Whatever the circumstances, whoever was part of your journey when your capability to love yourself was diminished, or if the belief was challenged so strongly and consistently, it is possible to change –100% possible.
Too Bad, too Much, too Late …
- When you feel your heart has been broken so badly that you think it will never heal enough to even entertain the thought of love again … the truth is that … you can love again.
- If your heart has been broken so many times that you think could not survive another heartbreak … the truth is … you can love again (and significantly reduce the risk of heartbreak).
- Perhaps you have always been told that you are not good enough, that is categorically not true … you are good enough.
- Does it feel like it is too late? It is never too late … … you can love again, at every age!
- And if you think there is anything about you that prevents you from being loved, you are mistaken, everyone can … you can be loved.
It’s Your Choice…
It really does start with your choice.
You can decide right now as you read this to STOP any old negative behaviours you have been doing that are tell-tale signs of lacking self-love, and START to accept yourself and love yourself for all that you are.
Easier said than done? Perhaps, but for Valentine’s Day, one way to show a commitment to yourself is to stand in your own skin and fully recognise that you really do deserve love. Once you embrace that fact, you can then decide to STOP allowing your past to mar your future. Instead, you can create the future exactly the way you want it to be.
How do you Learn to Love Yourself?
If you need some tips or reminders on how to love yourself, these are for you:
Make a list of Your Qualities
This list may contain things that are unique to you and some that others have too – they all count. If you struggle to come up with your qualities, think what your closest friend / family member would say if asked. You can add to this list daily and use it as an affirmation sheet first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Recognise Your Self-talk (internal dialogue)
We all have an internal dialogue (that voice that can chatter away all day!). Become aware of what your self-talk is saying to you and write down any negative talk and consciously change that into positive statement of what you want instead.
Be Kind to Yourself
Treat yourself in the very best way you would like others to treat you. If you make a mistake, forgive yourself. Rather than beat yourself up, you can learn from your experience by considering how you could do this better next time.
Set Yourself some Goals
In any areas of your life!
Your goals don’t have to be huge, you can smaller more easily achievable goals – any are better than none. For best results, you want to make sure they are stated in the positive and that your goals will improve your ability to enjoy life.
Take Great Care of Yourself
Ideally you want to take great care of yourself in a way that shows how much you really matter. Take time for yourself, maybe do some things you enjoy, prepare healthy meals, drink plenty of water, or get some fresh air. If you are going out, get ready as if you were going on a date … except that you are doing this for YOU (which should always be the case!) with pride in yourself.
Treat Yourself
It is Valentine’s Day after all! Your could buy something new, have a treatment, meet with friends, start a new hobby (or pick up an old one!). Hey, you could even do a bit of a spring clean (whatever time of year), which is great for getting rid of old energy from the past.
Make a Promise to Love Yourself
Self-love is the prerequisite for a healthy loving relationship.
Fact. When you love yourself, as well as attracting love more readily, you create the right environment and circumstances for a healthy loving relationship. Additionally, when you love and respect yourself, others treat you with the same levels of love and respect.
Your Subconscious Reveals Everything!
One of my favourites topics when I do a speaking event is what we ‘project’ into the world – subconsciously. Everything you think and believe in your mind, you actually ‘project’ or portray to the outside world subconsciously, before you even say a single word. It’s fascinating. This is far more than simple body language interpretation, you communicate the sum of your thoughts and beliefs non-verbally through your physiology (including how you breathe). Your voice tone is also part of this non-verbal communication (regardless of meaning attached to the words). You non-verbally communicate to others a mind-blowing 93% of your total communication!
25 years ago, before I learnt this, it seemed everyone knew my deepest fear even though I never mentioned it. I used to think I might as well have a post-it note on my forehead!
The World will know!
When you get into the habit of loving yourself and recognise the truth that you do deserve love, it is your subconscious projections that let other people know it. I’m sure you’ve had experiences where you take one look at a person and you just ‘know’ where they are at! This is where expressions like “it’s written all over your face” come into play. And you can probably think of several people you know are capable of self-love just from their physiology and voice tone. This is often the case even if you don’t know them very well!
So, the World will know when you love yourself and believe you deserve love. Then you will be ready for love and, as if by magic(!), it will present itself to you.
Happy Valentine’s Day
I wish you an incredibly special Valentine’s Day. Give yourself this gift of reconnecting with your uniqueness and honour yourself by accepting yourself and embrace the truth that you do deserve to be loved. Starting with self-love, of course.
Did you answer “Yes” to my earlier Question?
Congratulations
– for either getting through life with this capability intact or for those of you who have worked hard (on your own or in therapy) to regain it. Keep on loving yourself.
If You are Happily in a Relationship
If you are in a relationship and answered “Yes” to the question of self-love then congratulations to you too.
Remember to always be mindful that you continue your self-love and acknowledge your uniqueness. The healthiest relationships have two individuals relating well and enjoying appropriate space in their togetherness. I wish you a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and enjoy giving and receiving that extra special demonstration of love with your partner.
It’s a great time to review your relationship, remember why you choose them in the first place, and be grateful for all the reasons you chose them and choose to continue to love them.
You are Happily Single
If you are happily single because or are taking time out after a relationship to re-centre, then I wish you an incredibly special Valentine’s Day too. Maybe you could give yourself that extra special demonstration of love that you might have given or received from a partner. You deserve it too! After all, a loving relationship is just one aspect of life’s rich tapestry.